Step by step

Day 39: Greek-style yogurt, raspberries, banana, honey, 1 tsp of psyllium husks: porridge with coconut flakes; beef stew with beer, carrots and potatoes; crostone with cavolo nero, cannellini beans and spring onions, chinese pork dumplings; whisky and beer.

One step forward, two steps back.

You spend all these money you don’t have on therapy, organic vegetables, propolis, and you go to yoga and the gym and you tell your friends how much better you feel, and how now you don’t pile shit on top of your head anymore, yeah you definitely don’t do that anymore, and how good everything is and the ducks in the canal are beautiful, even if they’re dying with a stomach full of plastic and you feel one and all with the universe and even small dogs have a right to exist in this ugly but beautiful world.

And then you go back to your phone. That harrowing, dark place where one should never go, especially in the morning. And so instead of asking yourself what next you ask yourself why. Which is the wrong question. Smartphones and questions beginning with why are two things which should be avoided by all means on certain occasions.

Putting your shit bag on the steps and pretending you’ve somehow made progress doesn’t magically change things, by the way. Just in case you felt like trying. No point. Believe me.