10 ways to die on a boat

Day 60: 1 orange, a bowl of crunchy oats with milk; beef burger with bacon and cheese, 1 pint of lager; 2 slices of pizza and 3 lagers.

My friend has come visit me from Italy, so I’ve been falling behind with my shit diary. Poo bags have accumulated in the indoor bin. But I’ve finally got around to take a picture of them. And the smell that emerged from the small bin as I opened the lid was nothing short of a health hazard. It quickly spread to the living room where my friend was sitting. He said it could have killed him, had he not promptly lit an incense stick. So we’ve decided to compile a top ten of the ways in which you can die when living on a boat. Hope you enjoy it.

10: Inhalation of toxic vapours. You forget to throw away the bags. They accumulate in the bin. Then you open the lid and the vapours kill you.

9: Getting hit on the head by the various doors of various furniture which open unexpectedly due to strong winds / idiots on boats passing by fast.

8: Drowning in the canal.

7: Getting poisoned from accidentally drinking canal water.

6: Boat sinking in the night while you’re sleeping.

5: Gas canister explosion.

4: Getting your throat cut by the blades of the heat powered stove fan.

3: Getting hit in the head by a flying swan as you come out on the deck to enjoy a cup of coffee.

2: Boat burning down due to stove overfiring. This may elevate you to a sort of God-like status, as to burn on water is something that maybe only Jesus could have been capable of.

And now, to the number 1. To the one thing which is always on every boater’s mind. The silent killer. Carbon monoxide poisoning. You go to sleep. And you never wake up. Easy.


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