How-to

How to shit in a plastic bag in 10 steps

1. Lift the toilette seat

2. Take a plastic bag (biodegradable if possible)

3. Shake the bag with conviction, so that it’s well open

4. Make sure the bag has no holes

5. Lower the plastic bag in the toilette

6. Wrap the bag around the toilette edges, just as you would do to replace the bin liner in your kitchen

7. Put down the toilette seat so to seal the deal

8. Sit down and relax

9. Once you’re done, lift the toilette seat

10. Take the bag and quickly make a knot

How-to is a fashionable approach to pretty much everything. In these days of oversimplification and loss of direction, everyone wants to know how to. How to make slime, how to wipe your dog’s eyes, how to eat a peach or how to eat human souls. You can ask google, and google will tell you how to. And so for Christmas, I got a book which is called How To Find Love by one of those Guardian readers’ kind of things called The School of Life. It’s a pretty, pocket size book and I was really quite happy when I received it. I still have not read it, but I will very soon, so then I will be able to tell you how to, too.